Cameronish-English Dictionary - Official Version
Mr Cameron seems to be inventing a new language on a daily basis. This language uses the same words as English, but don’t be fooled. It’s new because the words have different meanings to those of widely-used and accepted English. Don’t worry, in the next few months you’ll get the hang of it.
“Sovereignty” – The process of giving foreigners the right to make our laws.
“Safer” – A warm feeling, coined after Frau Merkel’s sudden decision to invite millions of people from the Middle East and Africa into the EU.
“Stronger” – What you feel when foreign governments take over the burden of all decision-making from you.
“Weaker” – The feeling when denied English breakfast, brunch, lunch, and dinner until you give up and sign a non legally-binding agreement not to reform the EU in any meaningful way.
“Better off” – The warm feeling of knowing that you’re paying billions each year to subsidise the lifestyles of the people of other countries, and paying over 10,000 unelected EU officials more than the UK Prime Minister earns.
“More secure” – The satisfaction of knowing that a portly Belgian policeman is monitoring groups of Islamic terrorists in a Brussels suburb. Also used in military terms to denote that an EU army of French and Italian soldiers are ready to stop Putin from more expansion into Europe.
“Legally-binding” – An ineffectual document attractively-bound by a secretary in the EU Commission office.
“Irreversible” – A sophisticated form of joke: a cross between irredeemable and risible.
“International law decision” – Form of obfuscation with no basis in reality.
“Treaty” – (Also written as Treat-ee.) An incentive offered to a child, as in “If you’re a good boy you might get a little Treat-ee”.
“Manifesto commitment” – Vague and passing aspiration, whose words are not to be taken literally.
“Mayor of London” – Enemy of the state.
“Ever Closer Union” – Direction of travel of the 27 countries in EU’s second tier, denoting those with lack of EU influence compared to the UK.
“Top table” – Table positioned at the back of the room, next to the toilets, obviously denoting country with most influence in the EU.
“Best of both worlds” – Expression normally preceded by “You can’t have the…”, but truncated for political reasons.
“Single market” – EU’s tariff-free trade area set up for salespersons working for German manufacturers and French cheese producers.
“Fundamental reform” – Trade name for a form of porridge, much watered-down. More commonly known by the North-East Somerset term ‘thin gruel’.
“Acquis” – Collective noun for totality of EU laws and directives, named after prominent French founder of the EU, the Acquis de Sade.
“Leap in the dark” – Allegedly dangerous manoeuvre. Named after Eton initiation rite which followed lights out in the dorm.
“A reformed EU” – Children’s fable. No longer quoted.
“Child Benefit” – Part of British international aid, predominantly given to Poland.
“Patriotic” - Having or expressing devotion to, and vigorous support for, the EU.
“Europe” – Region where British people take holidays, enjoy good relations, and from which expensive German cars and Mediterranean wines are bought. Not to be confused with ‘European Union’, where failed British politicians take extended holiday jobs, accumulate very good pensions, and are driven around in expensive German limos whilst consuming fine Mediterranean wines.
“An IDS” – A politician earmarked for Inevitable Definite Sacking.
“European Arrest Warrant” – Legal procedure enabling British citizens to be sent to corruption-free countries in Eastern and Southern Europe.
“Border control" - A group of people employed for the sole purpose of welcoming people into the UK.
“To Gove” – Transitive verb, concatenation of ‘to go’ and ‘to leave’, used to imply departure with treacherous intent.
“World leaders” – Other countries' prime ministers and presidents, temporarily seconded to the Britain Stronger in Europe campaign.
“Business Leaders” – Directors earning over £250,000 p.a. whose companies employ at least 500 workers on minimum wage.
“CBI” – Acronym for ‘Confederation for Booming Immigration’. Corporate lobby group for Eastern European workers.
“A Merkel” – Colloquial term for immigration policy specialist.
“Francois Hollande” – Honorary British patriot. (Awarded after press conference in Calais with Mr Cameron, threatening 'consequences' for the UK.)
“Stronger, Safer, Better Off” – Phrase using English words originally meaning stronger, safer, and better off.
Advanced Section – Some Camacronyms
“TTIP” – Alternative spelling: ‘t tip. Highly secretive, US-owned, backed by Cameron. Believed to be rubbish facility based in Yorkshire England, run from Brussels. Example of usage: “I’m just goin’ down ‘t tip, dear.”
“CAP” – Expensive delicacy much consumed in France and less industrialised EU countries.
“CFP” – Formerly known as the Common Fisheries Policy. One of many fishery terms now rarely used in Cameronish. Still widely used in Spanish ports.
“ECJ” – Collection of non-jurists in Luxembourg specialising in rewriting of UK law.
“ECHR” – Special court for Arabic speakers. Popular with British legal profession.
We hope the above helps you to understand what he's saying,
the next time Mr Cameron talks about the EU...